Do we always
show as much sympathy as we suppose? How do our words truly come across? My friend, Carol Graham, recently wrote an excellent
article
about speaking truthfully and sympathetically. She makes the valid point that we shouldn’t
say something only to be polite.
Carol also
notes that we should consider how our listener will react before we say something. For instance, we can’t say “Don’t worry.
Be happy,” or “Keep your head up” to a traumatized individual. It will sound
callous and superficial, probably even offensive.
Compassionate
communication is always a challenge. It’s so easy to speak quickly and worry
about the consequences (if we worry about them) later. Some
personalities are particularly prone to this type of behavior: act now; ask
questions later. Needless to say, such an attitude doesn’t promote healthy
relationships. Here are some pitfalls we need to avoid:
- Judgmental words
- Empty (untruthful or superficial) conversation
- Giving offense
- Offering unsolicited advice (my personal pet peeve!)
- Being unable to truly relate to what your listener is feeling (In this case, it would probably be better to say nothing.)
People who are Living With Trauma
Jenny
She lost a
son to cancer over a decade ago. That is something you never fully get over.
However, those who haven’t lost a child can’t always relate to that. They seem
to wonder why the wound is still fresh today. Jenny says she has simply stopped
talking about her son for two reasons:
- People do not know how to process such a huge loss. It’s the elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about.
- It keeps the pain fresh for Jenny.
Me
A friend had
a recent, minor health crisis. It was traumatic, but it ended after five days.
She said this to me: “I don’t know what it’s like to have an illness that has
gone on forever. I’ve always had good health.”
Well, my friend is
right. If you don’t have severely
limiting medical conditions, you absolutely cannot fully understand
the continual struggles of those who do, such as me. It’s similar to being
constantly, painfully hammered into a small hole—if we don’t control our
thinking.
Sally
She’s a
member of a conservative church that has high expectations for their members.
However, her children choose not to follow many of the
guidelines. Some of her friends have no
problem prompting their easy-going kids to follow guidance. For that reason,
they don’t understand Sally’s situation
Sally’s kids are incredibly strong-minded. They
choose to exercise their free will to make unwise decisions, and there’s
nothing their mom can do about it. Many of her church leaders don’t understand
that.
Irene
Her son has
serious mental dysfunction due to a complication at birth. Recently, he made
the choice to cut himself off from his family. He has also harassed, bullied,
and threatened them in many ways.
In the
beginning, Irene reached out to some friends and authority figures. They were
full of advice, but little sympathy or empathy. Therefore, their
recommendations were misguided and inappropriate. Irene couldn’t use anything
they said. She has stopped sharing her story.
My Conclusion
Please, if you don’t have the right
words, don’t say anything. You never know what inner battles people are facing, or how your words
may affect them. Your conversation may seem to diminish their pain, even though
that’s not your intention.
We don’t all
have the same way of thinking. That’s why we can never assume that people understand
the compassionate motivation behind our words.
The Bible
shows that healthy communication can lift a person’s load: “Carry each other’s
burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”—Galatians 6:2
(NIV)
For more on this subject please view
my book, Accept No Trash Talk: Overcoming the
Odds
Related Posts
How have you boosted someone with
your words?
